Tuesday, 22 November 2016

A Different State of Being - Diary of A Sexually Fluid Girl

(This is going to have so many terrible metaphors. I apologise in advance.)

OK, when I did my Twitter poll and asked you guys, basically, what the hell I can do to explain being sexually fluid to non-fluid people, you said day-to-day experience and FAQs were what you wanted.

FAQs I've done now. So I guess it's time to give day-to-day experience a shot ;)

Again a reminder that this is my experiences and opinions not anyone else's.

It's entirely possible that other sexually fluid people will think completely different things - and even that I'll think different things in the future. And remember, there's more than one type of sexual fluidity.

Also, I don't mind if you don't understand, as long as you're genuinely trying.

I'm no fool guys, I've guessed, after 20+ years on this planet, that most people don't understand the way that I feel.

If it's any consolation, sometimes I honestly don't know how you guys can have the same sexuality all the time - I mean, really, how do you cope? How does that work exactly? ;)

So I've been making a sort of diary over the last week, to try to demonstrate what being sexually fluid is like - every day. Honestly, I'm pretty normal - I promise! ;)

13th November

OK, do you want me to explain where my sexuality lies right now?

I do sometimes put a pin in it, so to speak, just so that I understand myself and where I am right now a little better - mental health problems teach you to sit down and think about what it is that you're feeling.

Self care and understanding you. V. important.

But I don't hold myself to it - it's more about understanding what I feel when I feel it, rather than forcing myself to conform to any particular label.

So how do I pinpoint where my sexuality is right now?

Well I take a bunch of celebs that I've been attracted to, and see if I'm attracted to them now. It's ridiculous, but if it helps to prove a point to you guys...

(For the purposes of... science... (yeah, you'll buy that, right?) I'll do a Google image search for the following people, but I usually just go through things mentally.)

Right now, am I physically attracted to Tom Hiddleston in shirtless pics?

Nope. Nothing.

Like, there's an appreciation that he's pretty, but I have the same feelings for a vase of flowers - and I'm certainly not sexually attracted to a bunch of roses. Because that would be mighty weird. #TrueStory.

Johnny Depp, also shirtless?

Nope. That's a resounding 'meh.' Like, I know there are times when I look at these pictures and have to stop myself drooling but... nothing.

Holliday Grainger in her Lucrezia Borgia costume?

...definitely attracted to her. Definitely. She's... wow; and she rocks renaissance jewellery.

Scarlett Johansson wearing pretty much anything?

Yes. I'm entirely sure there needs to be a deal with the devil involved for someone to be that hot! *fans self*

So, right this moment, my curious little nerdlets, from a purely physical perspective, I'm attracted only to women, so, if you want to put a specific label on things - I'm a lesbian.

Tomorrow I'm going to try to explain what it's like when my sexuality changes.

14th November

Should we do a quick run-through? Why not, maybe it'll show you more than I can explain to you:

Tom Hiddleston (shirtless)? Oh... oh that's very nice ;) yep, definitely attracted to him.

Johnny Depp? Yum!

Holliday Grainger? Yes, still very nice ;)

Scarlett Johansson? My God, she's so hot! Seriously, how does that happen?! If her and Hiddles had a kid, the world would officially end with the hotness!

So today I'm bisexual (or possibly pan) by the looks of things.

I say 'by the looks of things,' because, honestly, I don't actually notice when things change.

I could think I'm having a het day, for example, and then I see a woman who is particularly lovely and prove myself wrong. (And yes, I think phrases like 'het day.' But I think that has more to do with me being a dork than anything else.)

It's not like there are set time-frames for when I will find certain people attractive - it is entirely open, and everything is possible until something else happens.

So it's not a case of me going 'Oh! It's 9 o'clock! Time to be a lesbian!' - it really doesn't work like that.

It's more of a Schrodinger's cat scenario - I am everything and nothing until called upon to testify. (I told you there would be lousy metaphors! Don't say I didn't warn you!)

And personality reigns over all.

It might sound like I'm trying to put being sexually fluid on a moralistic pedestal, but honestly (and guys, I hope you understand just how honest and frank I'm trying to be here,) personality matters more to me than gender.

If I'm attracted to you as a person - with an emotional connection and everything - then wherever I am on the spectrum at that moment goes entirely out the window the minute I see you.

Because it doesn't matter what's in your underwear (to put it bluntly) if I'm attracted to you on an emotional and intellectual level, then the physical stuff just... follows...

And oh man this is hard to explain! Argh!

Basically, my sexuality can be changed by other factors - e.g. being in love with you or having a romantic connection with you  - but that doesn't mean it can be forcibly changed. It can't.

I can't decide who I'm going to find attractive. If I surround myself with naked pictures of dudes, I may very well still have an entirely lesbian day, week, whatever. It's not something controllable.

But my emotions are very closely linked to what my sexuality is at any given time... is that understandable? I don't know. Maybe I just screwed up explaining that, but I'm trying my best here.

OK, I'll be back tomorrow for more opportunities to fail to make myself understood.

15th November

Let's do another run-through, shall we? I honestly don't normally do this every day, but I'm trying to show what it's like - what I'm like.

Tom Hiddleston (shirtless)? Yeah, I'm finding him fairly attractive today.

Johnny Depp? Yep, quite attracted.

Holliday Grainger? *fans self* ...ahem... wow

Scarlett Johansson? *more fanning* Phew! I really... 😍 wow.

Even though I've been out to the people that matter for a few months now, I still self-censor myself (unintentionally) when it comes to day-to-day conversation. Old habits die hard I guess.

The last few weeks I've been more towards the bi/lesbian state of things - not all the time, but a lot. I haven't once mentioned, out loud, when I find a woman attractive. I'm working on that.

I guess I just find it hard to be casual about something when I've been determinedly not mentioning it almost my entire life.

16th November

Tom Hiddleston? phew... *fans self* *blushes* Definitely attracted to him right now!

Johnny Depp? Yum, yum, yum!

Holliday Grainger? Nope. I mean, she's beautiful. But so is jewellery. I'm not finding her physically attractive right now.

Scarlett Johansson? Again, that's a 'meh.' She's very beautiful. But I'm not attracted to her at the moment.

Huh, looks like a het day. (Seriously, I'm such a dork.)

Is this a helpful demonstration?

I figured this would be the best way to show you guys - on a simple basis, because I know I'm just using cisgender celebs here - the purely physical, no-emotions, side of things.

Like I mentioned before, in my experience, fluidity is vastly affected by emotion.

If I'm watching an interview, and I'm attracted to the actor and the actor's personality - not just what they look like - then there's a good chance I will find them physically attractive as well.

Like if I watched an interview with Scarlett Johansson right now, and she was really showing her personal side and was being funny, smart, witty, and a nice person, then I could very well find her physically attractive.

But just from a purely physical still-photograph, no personality or sense of who she is as a person, I'm not attracted to her right now.

Again, I totally understand if you're not getting this - it's not easy to explain to people who don't feel like this... but there you go.

Also, there's something I need to add: while I'm used to reading some butt-ugly comments on posts about sexually fluid celebs, I'm noticing more and more 'compliments' that really aren't compliments.

Seriously, some of this stuff is verging on fetishisation - things like 'my biggest turn on is a sexually fluid person because anything could happen,' 'I've got some fluid for him, if he wants it!' and 'he could be fluid with me any time!'

...I don't know whether other people realise it, but statements like that made in day-to-day conversation and/or about strangers? Kind of creepy. Kind of really creepy. So, y'know: STOP.

17th November

Tom Hiddleston? I'm a little attracted to him today... but only like a tiny bit.

Johnny Depp? Nope. Not today. Sorry Johnny.

Holliday Grainger? 😍 wow. WOW. Yep, attracted to her today.

Scarlett Johansson? 😳😍😍😍💖💖 *picks self up off the floor* NO ONE IS THAT HOT SHE HAS SIGNED A DEAL WITH SATAN! *ahem* I mean, yes, I'm finding her very attractive. ;)

OK, two things I want to talk about today:

First up conversion therapy (y'know, that horrendous thing that Mike Pence supports where they electrocute kids into being straight?) - if you use the fluidity of sexuality to excuse/argue for conversion therapy then I WILL FIND YOU.

While there are fluid people who disagree with the 'born this way' stance - I am not one of them. I firmly believe I was born to be changeable.

If that's too complex an idea for you, then that's not my problem butty.

The second thing is this: it's highly offensive to me to imply that if you dated a fluid person, you wouldn't be enough for them.

It implies we're greedy and/or promiscuous, which is the same cr*p bisexual people have been having to put up with for a long time.

If I feel strongly enough to call you out on the sh** you just said, then you have no business telling me to f**k off. #TrueStory.

18th November

Tom Hiddleston? Yeah, I'm finding him quite attractive rn

Johnny Depp? A little attracted to him today

Holliday Grainger? Phew! Yes. Yes I'm definitely finding her attractive atm.

Scarlett Johansson? *jaw drops open* She is extremely... wow. Yep, attracted to her!

Today is one of those days where I've seen so much sh** about being sexually fluid on the Internet, that I really don't have the strength to call it all out.

Needless to say, I'm not fluid because I'm a) a psychopath or b) in need of a butch woman because I can't find a 'manly' man (I mean... wtf?!)

And there's something that I really need to point out:

MEN can also be sexually fluid. It's not a girls only scenario, and I've seen so many statements saying that only women can be fluid that it's doing my head in.

On the plus side, I read this beautiful post from a black American lady who is sexually fluid - and I recommend you all do the same :)

19th November

Tom Hiddleston? Yes, veeeery nice!

Johnny Depp? Yep, attracted to him.

Holliday Grainger? *fans self* yes, attracted to her!

Scarlett Johansson? Oh yes!!! Def. attracted to her too! 😍

Yesterday, I had to unfollow people who unfollowed me, after I shared a link to a post by a sexually fluid black woman.

Yes, the same post I linked to in yesterday's section.

It really is interesting just how many people who act perfectly lovely unfollow me after I post certain things. #JustSaying  👀 💅

Still, I'm not going to let that stop me from attempting to explain the day-to-day-ness of being sexually fluid to you guys. I'm stubborn like that ;)

21st November

Yes, I missed a day - I forgot, ok? ;)

This is the last day of this weird little diary thingy, so let's do one last run-through:

Tom Hiddleston?  Yep! Very attractive.

Johnny Depp? Yeah, I'm finding him quite attractive

Holliday Grainger? *Fans self* YEP!

Scarlett Johansson? Very much so!

So this is just me, over a period of a few days. There are sexually fluid people who's sexuality changes more often than mine, and sexually fluid people who's sexuality changes less often.

Again, I don't notice when it changes, I could change half-way through the day, and not know unless I noticed someone I wouldn't have noticed earlier.

It's all about just allowing me to be me - liking who I like, when I like them. I can be swayed by the things around me - but I can't be forced into liking someone.

It's about loving people who are beautiful as people - not just in appearance.

I can no more change being sexually fluid than you can change being whatever orientation you are.

I don't understand why some people seem to feel so threatened by the idea that I am changeable - that my heart has the final say in the matter, that I don't fit into one section neatly and tidily.

But that's ok. They're clearly dealing with some cr*p of their own. I'll just be here... being me.

Like this post? Try these:


  1. You go Cee! I'm not going to lie, sexual fluidity is something that I'm still trying to understand and I'm learning new things every time you post! But I think I've finally grasped it <3

    1. I totally don't mind people not understanding - I get that it's difficult for a lot of people, honestly!

      It's uber-important to remember that it's not something easily definable - pretty much everything about being fluid is open to change, and there's no right or wrong way to be fluid. I think non-fluid people struggle because people like certainty, and fluidity is only certain in the moment. Yes, I'm like *this* now, and I might be like *this* tomorrow, or I might be like *that* or *that* instead.

      Thanks for the comment and for being pretty awesome in general Em :)

  2. Hi! I found your blog through the disability diaries thing (which I'm really excited about taking part in, but that's beside the point lol). Anyway, I had never heard of sexual fluidity until this post, but I think you explained it great! I mean, I don't claim to actually understand what it *feels* like, but your explanation made complete sense, and I learned something new :-) And honestly I don't understand either why some people are so threatened by things that don't affect them in any way, and it's hard to deal with those people regardless of what their reason for prejudice is, but I guess all we can all do is just continue to be ourselves!

    1. Thanks so much :) what a lovely comment <3 <3

      Not many people have heard of being sexually fluid - and that's ok. But when I asked on Twitter, there seemed to be a genuine interest in finding out more about it - and honestly, the amount of misconceptions and downright nastiness out there is painful! So I figured trying to explain things a little more could only be a good thing!

      Thanks again for the awesome comment :)

  3. I've never heard of sexual fluidity until I read this post, and I think I understand it now? I love how you depicted everything through a diary, it makes it easier to understand. Thanks for teaching me something new today! :)

    1. A lot of people haven't heard of it - and that's ok. But I figured, since there's not a lot of actual knowledge about it going on out there in the big wide world, I'd be doing some good by talking about it more.

      Everyone is different though - especially when it comes to sexual fluidity - so please bear that in mind! Also, I wrote an FAQ post a week or two ago that you might find interesting (slides a shameless plug in there, lol!)


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