Nerd Church - Christmas Hurts, This Year

 

Warning: grief, death, serious illness, mental health issues, general trauma

I've always loved Christmas.

But Christmas? It hasn't treated me so well. Especially the whole lead-up-to part of Christmas.

In 2023, my father had brain surgery a few days before Christmas - that was stressful (he's OK now, mostly.)

My grandfather died not long before Christmas in 2018.

Eleven years ago, my other grandparents died at Christmas within four days of each other. We had a double funeral. 

...That still wasn't the worst Christmas of my life.

The worst Christmas of my life was last year.

I can't talk about everything - it hurts too much, and is too personal - but my mother's health was failing rapidly, (she died in February this year,) and... it was hell.

It was awful.

Just... there aren't words for what we went through.

I have always loved Christmas. 

But now the lights and songs and decorations keep tripping me up, starting off memories that are all-too fresh and all-too painful and very very vivid.

I have always loved Christmas. 

But now I'm facing Christmas without yet another person who meant the world to me.

I've always loved Christmas. 

But it's hard this year. Bittersweet at best. And while I'm trying to enjoy it... it hurts.

I've always loved Christmas - but it doesn't make sense that my mother's not here.

My mother, whose last Christmas was so awful, but who loved Christmas so much... she should be here. She shouldn't be gone. And she should have had a good Christmas, before she passed. And it's just not fair.

I don't know how to make it make sense. 

And I don't know how to enjoy Christmas the way that I've fought to enjoy it for so many years through so much stress and loss...

I don't want the Christmas tree up.

I don't want to wrap presents.

I don't want to watch Christmas movies or listen to Christmas songs.

Christmas adverts - of all things - make me cry and bring back those memories, full-force, of the hell of last year.

I'm trying to be patient with myself.

I've always loved Christmas. But I think it's OK to have some mixed feelings. I think it's OK that it's hard, this year. 

Last year was a nightmare. So long as life doesn't throw any more curveballs may way (...please, life, don't take that as a challenge, I actually can't take any more of this) then we're already ahead.

So, yeah - it's OK if Christmas is hard. 

Take care of yourselves, and have a good one - whatever that means to you.

The next Nerd Church will be posted on 10th January 2026 - hope to see you there!

More from me:

• Nerd Church - Shout Out To Those With Mental Health Problems In This Clusterf**k Timeline!

• Nerd Church - Fighting the Pointlessness

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