Sunday 5 March 2017

Nerd Church - Dear Toxic Masculinity: We Need To Talk

(Warning: this post contains fast-moving and jerky/not-smooth-moving gifs which may cause problems for people with photosensitive conditions such as migraine or epilepsy.)

Dear Toxic Masculinity (including mansplaining and general overly-macho culture):

image of poison bottle

We need to talk. You need to listen.

Maybe we should've sat you down before now, but in our defence, you tend to get a bit... shout-y, stab-y, and murder-y, whenever we try.

You also have a habit of throwing things; and we don't like getting hit by those things.

But we can't just let you carry on your merry way as if that's ok. It would be - but you keep f**king with everyone else's day, and we kind of don't want you to.

So how about this? You don't have to be the best, the strongest, or the most aggressive. It just makes you come across as a douche.

You certainly don't have to mark yourself out on a 'manly' scale. We believe you're a dude. Honestly. There's no need to prove it.

Dear Toxic Masculinity: stop mansplaining.

When you feel like mansplaining things to me, it's often because you've assumed my opinion must be based on misunderstanding.

I'm smart. Ok? Many women (and other non-males) are. Men don't have the monopoly on brains.

So, when you feel the need to explain politics or book plots to me? 9 times out of 10, I already get it. I just disagree with you. Because I have my own opinions.

And when I talk to you condescendingly, you get pi**ed off. And that's hysterical. Because dude, THAT IS WHAT YOU JUST DID TO ME.

Just because I disagree with you, doesn't mean I'm stupid.

This is most apparent when it comes to politics. Young ladies don't know a thing about politics, do they?

Well, f**k that b**lsh** my dears.

I can easily wrap my head around things like equality, devolution, the European Union, and the constitution.

Dear Toxic Masculinity: get over yourself.

No-one's going to force you to be feminine, or wear make-up, or kiss boys.

You can do all that stuff if you want to - but we're not going to force you.

It's your narrow view of the world that is being pushed on everyone else.

Dear Toxic Masculinity: stop burying your head in the sand.

You see problems like rape culture and far-right extremism, and pretend it's not your fault.

No honey, it is.

If you hadn't raised your sons to see women as objects, to see themselves as superior, to be aggressive in order to be 'manly' enough for you, the problem wouldn't be anywhere near as large as it is. And bigger isn't better.

Dear Toxic Masculinity: feminism is needed.

'Feminism is needed.'    Click to Tweet.

Stop telling us to be grateful. Stop telling us we need to be better in order to match up to you. Stop having to be reminded of female relatives when you need to see women as people.

Get your own sh** in order. Because women have to work double to get half the credit.

And that counts even more so for queer women, women of colour, disabled women, etc.

Dear Toxic Masculinity: stop disbelieving the truth.

You want an example of sexism in the 21st Century?

I have been told I can't review comics because I'm a woman.

I have had rape threats from trolls.

I have been groped by wandering hands, and leered at in the street.

You want an example of sexism in the 21st Century?

Look up feminism on Twitter, and watch the trolls. They are vile.

You want an example of sexism in the 21st Century?

The USA has Donald Trump - a man who brags about sexual assault, makes sexist comments constantly, and has had rape allegations against him - as its president.

The far more qualified woman who stood against him was summarily belittled and discriminated against.


Dear Toxic Masculinity: just listen for once.

I know it's not your strong point, but in running head-first into danger, you are dragging us all with you. You are hurting us. You are killing us.

Dear Toxic Masculinity: we don't make this stuff up for fun.

Accept that your way of life is not the only way. Accept that you don't have to be a douche.

Accept that other people have the same rights as you.

Accept there's more than one way to be a man. Accept that female doesn't mean lesser.

'Accept that female doesn't mean lesser.'  Click to Tweet

And maybe there'll be hope for you after all.

Like this post? Try these:


  1. SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK! The amount if toxic masculinity I've had to deal with this year has rattled me. Especially on rape culture, which for me, I c can't even fathom why we still have to explain ourselves to them.

  2. Yes!!! Men need to understand that the world doesn't revolve around them. As a gay woman, when men just expect me to like them it gets me so mad. Just ugh!!! This post was so well written and eloquently put, and so needed. Thank you for writing it.

    1. And thank *you* for the awesome comment! :) I needed it!

  3. Yes! I also want to add that just because I disagree with you, it also does not mean I'm on my period -_- Like, you know your argument is bad when you have to resort to something like that to defend it. Great post, and definitely something that needs to be said (over and over until people understand it)!

  4. I feel kind of blessed because rarely have I ever had a case of toxic masculinity or mansplaining being done against me. I think in the Netherlands, it's really modern. Everyone sees most people as equals, especially at my International school where you kind of have to get with the time and movements to keep up. But I agree with this post, it has to stop!

    1. You've clearly been lucky online as well (because it's like a freaking battle online sometimes!) I hope your luck continues for as long as it possibly can!


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