Tuesday, 27 February 2018
Anxiety vs Blogger
(Warning: This post is about depression and Anxiety, and the demonstration of a negative thought spiral.)
First off: I'm OK. I've had a rough-ish few days (not too bad, but bad enough,) but I'm OK.
There is no need to worry about me.
Sometimes, much as blogging has saved my life, it can contribute negatively to my mental health.
I don't need to take an extended break - honestly, I'm fine. I love blogging just as much as I ever have, and, overall, it's good for me.
And the problem wasn't really blogging - it was the Anxiety.
But I did need to 'write it out.' This is the result of that.
So I wrote this little... whatever this is... which is in script format - I really don't know why.
I figure it might be interesting/useful for people to read - but please be careful if you're not in a good place, ok? It's not worth your own mental health. Self-care for the win.
This blog was born from my mental health problems, and I'm glad it's given me the opportunity to work some stuff out here - because if my Anxiety hadn't latched onto blogging, it would've picked something else.
That's just the way it works sometimes, and I'm forever thankful that you guys are out there reading :)
And, on a positive note, I managed to work some sh** out! :)
Scene - Our lovely heroine is blogging her very lovely a*se off despite having felt very Anxiety-ish over the last few days.
We join different aspects of her as she's scrolling through Twitter.
What if you never do this? What if you never get any better at blogging than you are now?
Well, that'd be OK, right? I've got some good internet friends. And I enjoy writing the blogposts and stuff...
You haven't done enough though, have you?
What does that mean? 'Enough?' People seem to like my stuff.
They don't. They don't really like what we write. They're just being polite. Because they're Good People, not like us. We're no good at responding to comments or tweets in enough time.
And if you don't start responding more quickly, you'll lose what readers you do have.
Shouldn't you be commenting on other people's blogs right now? Your getting so behind on people to comment back to! Almost as far behind as you are on reviews!
Look at all the Twitter folks, they're out there doing stuff. Why aren't you doing stuff?
Because we're useless.
Hi! Just to let you know, your heart's beating like hell, and your breathing's gone all to sh** trying to keep up! Maybe you should run from whatever's attacking you! I'll keep you updated!
Oh God!!! You're gonna have a freaking panic attack, aren't you?!
Cee, I think it's time we log off the computer, honey.
No, you need to see how much better the other bloggers and writers are.
They have people who love them instead of pretending to love them.
They're not broken like you. You need to see how well they're doing - that's your punishment for being so useless.
I THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD RUN AWAY FROM THE THING, OR AT LEAST STAB IT A LITTLE!
OH MY GOD, IS THERE SOMETHING CHASING US??? How are we gonna get next week's blogposts done if you're being chased?
At least the quality of your writing couldn't get any worse.
Cee, turn the computer off.
OH MY GOD, WHAT IF WE MISSED SOMEONE OFF THE LIST OF PEOPLE TO COMMENT BACK TO?!?!?!
They'll think we don't care about them! They'll think we're pretending to like them, like they pretend to like you, and then they'll cry. Oh God, we can't let them cry! We can't HURT them!
Oh my God, they'll feel so bad!
What if they don't come back to your blog? Or worse - what if we DID make them feel bad?! What if they think we don't care?! What if they give up blogging?! What if they-
- think we're horrible?! What if everyone thinks we're horrible?!
We are horrible.
What if people find out that we're horrible?! No-one will ever love us-
-and then we'll die alone!!! Alone and unloved!!!
Who would love you anyway? You're pathetic. The only reason anyone's ever nice to you is pity.
People pity you and your cr**py little business, and your cr**py little blog, and your cr**py little life. What have you ever managed to do?
By now, you should have your life in order.
But no, you hide behind mammy and daddy, with little money, and no ability to cope on your own. This is as good as things are ever gonna get, and it's sh**!
CEE! TURN. THE. COMPUTER. OFF!!!
You're OK honey, you're OK.
*more deep breaths*
Come on, we're gonna watch Judge Judy, and have a cup of coffee. You'll feel better then.
I'm still here though.
I know you are. But right now, I'm putting Judge Judy on, and making some coffee. And I don't give a sh** what you think about it.
So... I am OK - I promise. Thanks so much for reading! :)