A Different State of Being - Diary of A Sexually Fluid Girl

(This is going to have so many terrible metaphors. I apologise in advance.)

OK, when I did my Twitter poll and asked you guys, basically, what the hell I can do to explain being sexually fluid to non-fluid people, you said day-to-day experience and FAQs were what you wanted.

FAQs I've done now. So I guess it's time to give day-to-day experience a shot ;)

Again a reminder that this is my experiences and opinions not anyone else's.

It's entirely possible that other sexually fluid people will think completely different things - and even that I'll think different things in the future. And remember, there's more than one type of sexual fluidity.





Also, I don't mind if you don't understand, as long as you're genuinely trying.

I'm no fool guys, I've guessed, after 20+ years on this planet, that most people don't understand the way that I feel.

If it's any consolation, sometimes I honestly don't know how you guys can have the same sexuality all the time - I mean, really, how do you cope? How does that work exactly? ;)





So I've been making a sort of diary over the last week, to try to demonstrate what being sexually fluid is like - every day. Honestly, I'm pretty normal - I promise! ;)







13th November



OK, do you want me to explain where my sexuality lies right now?

I do sometimes put a pin in it, so to speak, just so that I understand myself and where I am right now a little better - mental health problems teach you to sit down and think about what it is that you're feeling.

Self care and understanding you. V. important.

But I don't hold myself to it - it's more about understanding what I feel when I feel it, rather than forcing myself to conform to any particular label.






So how do I pinpoint where my sexuality is right now?

Well I take a bunch of celebs that I've been attracted to, and see if I'm attracted to them now. It's ridiculous, but if it helps to prove a point to you guys...

(For the purposes of... science... (yeah, you'll buy that, right?) I'll do a Google image search for the following people, but I usually just go through things mentally.)







Right now, am I physically attracted to Tom Hiddleston in shirtless pics?

Nope. Nothing.

Like, there's an appreciation that he's pretty, but I have the same feelings for a vase of flowers - and I'm certainly not sexually attracted to a bunch of roses. Because that would be mighty weird. #TrueStory.

via GIPHY

Johnny Depp, also shirtless?

Nope. That's a resounding 'meh.' Like, I know there are times when I look at these pictures and have to stop myself drooling but... nothing.


Holliday Grainger in her Lucrezia Borgia costume?

...definitely attracted to her. Definitely. She's... wow; and she rocks renaissance jewellery.


Scarlett Johansson wearing pretty much anything?

Yes. I'm entirely sure there needs to be a deal with the devil involved for someone to be that hot! *fans self*





So, right this moment, my curious little nerdlets, from a purely physical perspective, I'm attracted only to women, so, if you want to put a specific label on things - I'm a lesbian.

Tomorrow I'm going to try to explain what it's like when my sexuality changes.






14th November



Should we do a quick run-through? Why not, maybe it'll show you more than I can explain to you:

Tom Hiddleston (shirtless)? Oh... oh that's very nice ;) yep, definitely attracted to him.

via GIPHY

Johnny Depp? Yum!

Holliday Grainger? Yes, still very nice ;)

Scarlett Johansson? My God, she's so hot! Seriously, how does that happen?! If her and Hiddles had a kid, the world would officially end with the hotness!




So today I'm bisexual (or possibly pan) by the looks of things.

I say 'by the looks of things,' because, honestly, I don't actually notice when things change.

I could think I'm having a het day, for example, and then I see a woman who is particularly lovely and prove myself wrong. (And yes, I think phrases like 'het day.' But I think that has more to do with me being a dork than anything else.)





It's not like there are set time-frames for when I will find certain people attractive - it is entirely open, and everything is possible until something else happens.

So it's not a case of me going 'Oh! It's 9 o'clock! Time to be a lesbian!' - it really doesn't work like that.

It's more of a Schrodinger's cat scenario - I am everything and nothing until called upon to testify. (I told you there would be lousy metaphors! Don't say I didn't warn you!)




And personality reigns over all.

It might sound like I'm trying to put being sexually fluid on a moralistic pedestal, but honestly (and guys, I hope you understand just how honest and frank I'm trying to be here,) personality matters more to me than gender.




If I'm attracted to you as a person - with an emotional connection and everything - then wherever I am on the spectrum at that moment goes entirely out the window the minute I see you.

Because it doesn't matter what's in your underwear (to put it bluntly) if I'm attracted to you on an emotional and intellectual level, then the physical stuff just... follows...

via GIPHY

And oh man this is hard to explain! Argh!




Basically, my sexuality can be changed by other factors - e.g. being in love with you or having a romantic connection with you  - but that doesn't mean it can be forcibly changed. It can't.

I can't decide who I'm going to find attractive. If I surround myself with naked pictures of dudes, I may very well still have an entirely lesbian day, week, whatever. It's not something controllable.

But my emotions are very closely linked to what my sexuality is at any given time... is that understandable? I don't know. Maybe I just screwed up explaining that, but I'm trying my best here.

OK, I'll be back tomorrow for more opportunities to fail to make myself understood.






15th November


Let's do another run-through, shall we? I honestly don't normally do this every day, but I'm trying to show what it's like - what I'm like.

Tom Hiddleston (shirtless)? Yeah, I'm finding him fairly attractive today.

Johnny Depp? Yep, quite attracted.

Holliday Grainger? *fans self* ...ahem... wow

Scarlett Johansson? *more fanning* Phew! I really... 😍 wow.



Even though I've been out to the people that matter for a few months now, I still self-censor myself (unintentionally) when it comes to day-to-day conversation. Old habits die hard I guess.

The last few weeks I've been more towards the bi/lesbian state of things - not all the time, but a lot. I haven't once mentioned, out loud, when I find a woman attractive. I'm working on that.

I guess I just find it hard to be casual about something when I've been determinedly not mentioning it almost my entire life.






16th November


Tom Hiddleston? phew... *fans self* *blushes* Definitely attracted to him right now!

Johnny Depp? Yum, yum, yum!

Holliday Grainger? Nope. I mean, she's beautiful. But so is jewellery. I'm not finding her physically attractive right now.

Scarlett Johansson? Again, that's a 'meh.' She's very beautiful. But I'm not attracted to her at the moment.

via GIPHY

Huh, looks like a het day. (Seriously, I'm such a dork.)



Is this a helpful demonstration?

I figured this would be the best way to show you guys - on a simple basis, because I know I'm just using cisgender celebs here - the purely physical, no-emotions, side of things.

Like I mentioned before, in my experience, fluidity is vastly affected by emotion.





If I'm watching an interview, and I'm attracted to the actor and the actor's personality - not just what they look like - then there's a good chance I will find them physically attractive as well.

Like if I watched an interview with Scarlett Johansson right now, and she was really showing her personal side and was being funny, smart, witty, and a nice person, then I could very well find her physically attractive.

But just from a purely physical still-photograph, no personality or sense of who she is as a person, I'm not attracted to her right now.




Again, I totally understand if you're not getting this - it's not easy to explain to people who don't feel like this... but there you go.



Also, there's something I need to add: while I'm used to reading some butt-ugly comments on posts about sexually fluid celebs, I'm noticing more and more 'compliments' that really aren't compliments.

Seriously, some of this stuff is verging on fetishisation - things like 'my biggest turn on is a sexually fluid person because anything could happen,' 'I've got some fluid for him, if he wants it!' and 'he could be fluid with me any time!'

via GIPHY

...I don't know whether other people realise it, but statements like that made in day-to-day conversation and/or about strangers? Kind of creepy. Kind of really creepy. So, y'know: STOP.







17th November



Tom Hiddleston? I'm a little attracted to him today... but only like a tiny bit.

Johnny Depp? Nope. Not today. Sorry Johnny.

Holliday Grainger? 😍 wow. WOW. Yep, attracted to her today.

Scarlett Johansson? 😳😍😍😍💖💖 *picks self up off the floor* NO ONE IS THAT HOT SHE HAS SIGNED A DEAL WITH SATAN! *ahem* I mean, yes, I'm finding her very attractive. ;)



OK, two things I want to talk about today:



First up conversion therapy (y'know, that horrendous thing that Mike Pence supports where they electrocute kids into being straight?) - if you use the fluidity of sexuality to excuse/argue for conversion therapy then I WILL FIND YOU.

While there are fluid people who disagree with the 'born this way' stance - I am not one of them. I firmly believe I was born to be changeable.

If that's too complex an idea for you, then that's not my problem butty.





The second thing is this: it's highly offensive to me to imply that if you dated a fluid person, you wouldn't be enough for them.

It implies we're greedy and/or promiscuous, which is the same cr*p bisexual people have been having to put up with for a long time.

If I feel strongly enough to call you out on the sh** you just said, then you have no business telling me to f**k off. #TrueStory.







18th November



Tom Hiddleston? Yeah, I'm finding him quite attractive rn

Johnny Depp? A little attracted to him today

Holliday Grainger? Phew! Yes. Yes I'm definitely finding her attractive atm.

Scarlett Johansson? *jaw drops open* She is extremely... wow. Yep, attracted to her!



Today is one of those days where I've seen so much sh** about being sexually fluid on the Internet, that I really don't have the strength to call it all out.

Needless to say, I'm not fluid because I'm a) a psychopath or b) in need of a butch woman because I can't find a 'manly' man (I mean... wtf?!)

via GIPHY

And there's something that I really need to point out:

MEN can also be sexually fluid. It's not a girls only scenario, and I've seen so many statements saying that only women can be fluid that it's doing my head in.

On the plus side, I read this beautiful post from a black American lady who is sexually fluid - and I recommend you all do the same :)







19th November



Tom Hiddleston? Yes, veeeery nice!

Johnny Depp? Yep, attracted to him.

Holliday Grainger? *fans self* yes, attracted to her!

Scarlett Johansson? Oh yes!!! Def. attracted to her too! 😍




Yesterday, I had to unfollow people who unfollowed me, after I shared a link to a post by a sexually fluid black woman.

Yes, the same post I linked to in yesterday's section.

It really is interesting just how many people who act perfectly lovely unfollow me after I post certain things. #JustSaying  👀 💅

Still, I'm not going to let that stop me from attempting to explain the day-to-day-ness of being sexually fluid to you guys. I'm stubborn like that ;)





21st November


Yes, I missed a day - I forgot, ok? ;)

This is the last day of this weird little diary thingy, so let's do one last run-through:

Tom Hiddleston?  Yep! Very attractive.

Johnny Depp? Yeah, I'm finding him quite attractive

Holliday Grainger? *Fans self* YEP!

Scarlett Johansson? Very much so!




So this is just me, over a period of a few days. There are sexually fluid people who's sexuality changes more often than mine, and sexually fluid people who's sexuality changes less often.

Again, I don't notice when it changes, I could change half-way through the day, and not know unless I noticed someone I wouldn't have noticed earlier.

It's all about just allowing me to be me - liking who I like, when I like them. I can be swayed by the things around me - but I can't be forced into liking someone.

It's about loving people who are beautiful as people - not just in appearance.





I can no more change being sexually fluid than you can change being whatever orientation you are.

I don't understand why some people seem to feel so threatened by the idea that I am changeable - that my heart has the final say in the matter, that I don't fit into one section neatly and tidily.

But that's ok. They're clearly dealing with some cr*p of their own. I'll just be here... being me.









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Introducing Disability Diaries - Sign-Up Now Open

Hello dearest nerdlets! Do you want to get caught up in a nefarious scheme to make the world a better place? Of course you do!

Yes, dear nerdlets, you want to be involved in a week-long disability representation and awareness event! You want to use the sign-up form on Tea and Titles to join us! Come on, you know you want to!

Cee, what are you talking about?

Well, the lovely Ely @ Tea and Titles came up with the idea of Disability Diaries, and Ely, myself, Angel @ Angel Reads, Dina @ Dinasoaur, Jolien @ The Fictional Reader, and Lara @ Another Teen Reader are running it!!!!!

(Well, actually they come up with all the intelligent stuff, and I come up with awkward rebel questions - but that's clearly what I do best!)

So when is this event?

14-21 January 2017. I know that feels like a long time away - but really, it isn't!

What is it going to involve?

ALL OF THE THINGS!!!!!!!!!!

TBRs, reviews, personal posts, recommendations, and anything else anyone wants to throw in there really! ;)

Where can I sign up again?

Over @ Tea and Titles, using the Google form in this post.

Go on! Go sign up! :)

Nerd Church - Well, That Was Unpleasant

(This post discusses mental health problems, stigma, anxiety, and a brief mention of suicide)

Kind of ironic - on Friday I posted about ableism, not knowing that I would face it on the same day.

Let me give you a scenario, dearest nerdlets.




Imagine you have anxiety problems. Imagine you're having a flare-up, and something that seems everyday to everyone else is terrifying to you.

I don't mean just worrying. I mean terrifying - the kind of terrified you'd feel if you lost a kid at the supermarket or were having trouble opening your parachute after jumping out of a plane.

Imagine you freak out, but manage to gather yourself up. You manage to push through and do the thing that's terrifying you.






And then someone draws attention to your weird behaviour, loudly, in front of a group of strangers.

It would hurt, yes?





Fine, maybe they don't understand why you were acting like that, but surely they can see that you were freaked out - for whatever reason - and maybe, I don't know, not embarrass you in front of random-a*s members of the public?!

I mean, really, is that so difficult?

via GIPHY

OK - explanation time:

I had to catch a train.

Trains make me nervous at the best of times - social interaction with strangers plus weird track vibrations plus the fact that I'm terrible at figuring out which one is my stop and what the time is, all add up to an at best slightly awkward experience.

(FYI - I could go on to list more reasons I dislike trains, but this post is about stigma not transportation.)

So, the gap from station to train was bigger than average - it's quite a leap there, and I have short legs.




And, as mentioned, my anxiety was flaring up. And someone had killed themselves a little further down the line less than a week earlier.

So I pulled back, and freaked a little. My breathing was getting pretty hectic, and my hands were starting to shake a little.






Honestly? I could very well have gone into full-on panic attack mode if The Bestie hadn't just smiled in understanding, held out a hand for me to grab, and pulled me onto the train (did I mention I have the best Bestie?)

So, I'm on the train, apologising to The Bestie for being a pain (and her telling me to stop apologising,) and trying to get my breathing back to normal, the ticket conductor guy comes over so that we can buy our tickets.





I'm sure he didn't mean to completely humiliate me by saying that he thought I was never getting on, and thought he'd have to 'bung you on myself' (this guy was huge, so that thought wasn't particularly reassuring.)

I'm sure he didn't mean to nearly bring me to tears by saying all of this loudly in front of a carriage full of people who may or may not have seen me freak out at the station, and chuckling as if it was all one big joke.

But he did.

via GIPHY

I wanted the ground to swallow me up. I wanted to burst out crying. I literally felt so stupid in that moment.

Look, I don't blame him for not figuring out why I was acting oddly - I don't wear a sign with 'Has Mental Health Problems' around my neck - but surely common sense should have made him keep his mouth shut?





I could've been freaking out for literally any reason.

I might've had vision problems, and wasn't able to see how to get across the gap. I might've had mobility problems and been worried about how to get across. I might've had PTSD, and been having a flashback.

I might just have been having a real sh**ty day that just got too much.

There are a million things that might've made me act a little weird.





The moral of this story, dearest nerdlets? Put yourself in the other person's position. Would you like it if someone treated you like this?








Like this post? Try these:

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Friday Fics Fix - Let's Do This

Shall we stand up for what's right some more? Sounds like a plan to me!

And who better to help with that, really, than the Avengers? (Yes I'm obsessed with Marvel, but, honestly, you should know this by now!)

This time around we also have Daredevil - superhero; skilled lawyer; and, yes, blind.

Matt/Daredevil is a grown man, but ableism has a tendency to mean that people treat you like a child. But when you actually need help, they don't give a sh**. Honestly, people can be jerks.

via GIPHY

The Avengers though, they know how to be good allies to disabled people.

(Hint: it involves treating people like people.)

via GIPHY

So, in my ever-continuing search to use fanfiction to change the world I give you:

Avengers v. Ableism by whitchry9

Go out and be awesome guys ;)

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Comics Wrap-Up - Any Dream Will Do

I actually don't have much comics-y goings-on for you this week, but I did read a couple of single issues:

Single Issues

I read Alganon #1 - a one-shot from DC.

This is actually based on some sort of free game? I'd never actually heard of it before, but the art was fairly cool.

The plot was a bit 'and now, for no reason, here's this monster we didn't mention before!' but I assume that's because of the free-based-ness.

I also read Dreamless... which is kind of... stunningly beautiful.

Seriously, every panel was like an oil painting.

And the whole concept of an American girl and a Japanese boy sharing one alternating life - when he's awake, she's asleep and dreams his life, and vice versa - and then just wanting to be together because they were MADE FOR EACH OTHER GODDAMMIT! ;)

So, yeah... I enjoyed that one! Lol.

Amazon link (full graphic novel): UK - US

And that's it, dearest nerdlets! This week was short on the comics-y-ness *shrugs* - happens sometimes!

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My Diverse Welsh Authors TBR

Okie dokes my dearest nerdlets - it's time to combine two of my obsessions, diverse authors and Welsh authors.

A lot of these actually came from a post on black Welsh authors I read the other day, which I will link to here.

So, I give you my modest TBR list of diverse Welsh authors:

Ash on a Young Man's Sleeve by Dannie Abse

Amazon: UK - US

This is a semi-autobiographical novel by Jewish Welsh author and poet Dannie Abse. If you've never read any of his poetry - go. Go and look it up. Read. READ NOW.

dat's love by Leonora Brito

Amazon: UK - US

This is a short-story collection by a black Cardiffian author, and looks pretty awesome.

Sugar & Slate by Charlotte Williams

Amazon: UK - US

This is an autobiography which explores the intersection of Welsh and Guyanese identities - which sounds pretty cool.

Telling Tales by Patience Agbabi

Amazon: UK - US

This is like a re-telling of The Canterbury Tales I think? So I'd probably better read the original first!

Asylum: Docu-Drama by Eric Ngalle Charles

Amazon: UK

This bills itself as a docu-drama(?) based on the true stories of asylum seekers in Wales.

Vicious by Bevin Magama

Amazon: UK - US

This is an autobiography of a Zimbabwean immigrant to Wales, and the tale of his time in the Zimbabwean military.

Proud by Gareth 'Alfie' Thomas

Amazon: UK - US

This is the autobiography of Welsh rugby star Gareth Thomas - the first professional sportsman in a team sport to come out as gay, national superstar, and nice local boy t'boot.

Fingersmith by Sarah Waters

Amazon: UK - US

I only realised recently that Sarah Waters is Welsh! And I really want to read this, and possibly some of her other books, because F/F historical fiction dammit!!!!

Like this post? Try these:

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• 5 Simple Rules For Reading and Reviewing LGBTQ+ Books

Mini-Review! - Giovanni's Room by James Baldwin

Title: Giovanni's Room

Author: James Baldwin

Genre: Classics (Modern), LGBTQ+ (M/F; M/M)

Amazon: UK - USA

Verdict:

This was an exceptionally good book.

It will however tear your heart out and then show it to you. Yep. That is the level of feels we are dealing with here.

(HFBGIETLJHIOETMHBL!!!!!! WHYYYYYY?!?!?!)

So, this about a young American, David, who gets involved with an Italian bartender, Giovanni, in Paris.

Apparently this book was controversial (to say the least) in the 1950s, when it was written, not only because it was about a romantic relationship between men, but also because it was a black author writing about white men.

And for that fact alone, you should read this.

Because James Baldwin refused to be restricted in the people he could write about - he refused to play it safe and only ever write about black people, as he was expected to.

(And you know me guys, I like a rebel!)

David, as a character, isn't all that likeable. Putting it plainly, he's a bit of a jerk.

But you can still see his perspective - he's a selfish jerk, but that's because of the internalised homophobia and ideas of masculinity that he won't let himself let go of.

And, in his own way, he really does love Giovanni. I'm not sure whether that makes things better or worse, you'll have to read it and decide for yourself.

But Giovanni... argh! He totally broke my heart. Like HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO HIM?!?! *Ahem.* Sorry.

There are a couple of issues with this book:

It can be very dismissive, to the degree of disgust, towards men who are perceived to be more feminine in their mannerisms. 

And it's very offensive to the transgender women who hang around the bar.

It actually describes them as disgusting, which is obviously NOT GOOD, and transphobic.

And the attitudes towards women wanting equality (I mean, how dare they?!) are clearly that of a narrow-minded, and fairly misogynistic, man from the 1950s. Sorry, I call them as I see them.

BUT, for all that: this is a good book. And it was an exceptionally important stepping stone for diversity.

I'm not giving it carte blanche for jerkiness, this book was written in the 1950s, and it bl**dy well shows.

But I will be looking out for more James Baldwin books - once I've recovered from the feels after what happened to poor Giovanni. *Sniffles*

Oh, and quick warning: there's a lot of implied sexual assault, and some implied rape.

There are also some male/female sex scenes. And I think there might've been swearing? Maybe? I really need to pay more attention to these things...

So that's Giovanni's Room - not a perfect book, by any means, but an important one, and largely worth the read - the writing is quality, and the offensiveness is annoying and harmful, but brief (thank God.)

Buy Now UK – Buy Now USA – Goodreads

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Mini-Review! - God Help the Child by Toni Morrison

Title: God Help the Child

Author: Toni Morrison

Genre: Contemporary, Magic Realism* (*ish)

Amazon: UK - USA

Verdict:

This was a pretty damned awesome book.

And, I'm told, by pretty much everyone, that Toni Morrison's other books are even better - so I'm totally going to check out more!

This follows Bride, who always felt unloved by her mother, Sweetness, as she tries to deal with her falling-apart relationship with boyfriend Booker.

It's really quite difficult to explain what this book is about - except childhood, and how it relates to everything else.

Because Bride's childhood, Booker's, even Sweetness', affects everything that comes after. And in Rain, the girl adopted by the hippie couple, we see the current face of a traumatised child.

Huge warning guys: child abuse is a big theme here.

There is child abuse of every type in this book - emotional, physical, and sexual. There's even some child murder.

It's handled well - but I figured I'd let you know in case that's going to be a problem for you.

There's also a butt-tonne of swearing.

Generally though? This book is fantastically well written, and infinitely readable.

Buy Now UK – Buy Now USA – Goodreads

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Nerd Church - We Are Strong

It's been a rough week for millions of people. There is nothing I can say to change that.

America's new president is a symptom of the worst of what people are capable of. There's always been bad cr*p in this world, my dearest nerdlets.

BUT life is not all grimness and despair. I promise you.

Because just as there are millions of people who have done something terrible, there are millions of people who will stand up and make themselves heard, make themselves counted, and make the world a better place.

Sometimes it seems like I spend a lot of time on this blog combatting the ills of the world.

But if that's what I have to do, I will do it. I will keep typing until it's not needed any more.

Because I'll let you into a secret - we are strong.

All those who are scared, who are worried - we are here for you.

All those who are marginalised, victimised, persecuted - we will stand up for what's right in your name.

via GIPHY

There is good in this world. I strongly believe that.

Please never give up, because there are people out there sending you all the love that they can.

There are people who care.

There are people who will do everything that they can to turn this world around. Join us. And make the world beautiful.




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