Thursday 12 March 2015

Some Days...

Ok, I'm going to level with you, completely and utterly. I am having a bad day. Nothing bad has particularly happened, no one has said anything to upset me, nothing has broken, nothing has really gone wrong. But I'm still having a bad day, the kind of day where you don't want to get up, face the world, and pretend everything's Ok. This is the kind of day when I want to do nothing at all, and hate myself for it, and then hate myself for hating myself, and then hate myself for hating myself for hating get the idea.

In short, I'm having one of those days where my depression has decided to sink it's teeth in and not let go. . Luckily, they are less frequent these days, and aren't quite as dramatic as they were. But I'm not Ok. I don't mean I'm a bit down; I have depression But somehow, here I am sitting on the sofa with my laptop across my knees attempting to do things, struggling on when all I want to do is go back to bed. And if that's not strong, I really don't know what is. To anyone in the same situation - I really do applaud you; this is some tough s**t. To anyone who's not been through it - imagine the worst hangover you've ever had, then add the start of a cold or flu, and the feeling you get when you remember a recently deceased loved one, and you'll have something similar though not the same.

So I'm having one of those unspeakable days where I don't even feel like reading (I know, almost sacrilegious to say it) but I will anyway. Because it'll make me feel better - and the weirdest thing about depression is that it's the stuff you lose interest in will drag you out of it; if you don't feel like eating you need to nibble breakfast, don't feel like writing then you need to let it all out; don't feel like wearing nice clothes and accessories and you damn well need to, don't feel like doing your favourite hobbies then you damn well should. Because your favourite necklace, shirt, book, DVD, is for you; not anyone else. And you're important, even if you feel like you belong on the bottom of the proverbial shoe. So excuse me while I battle on, try to smile, try not to hide, try to stay positive, while all the while I'm fighting my own brain. Good luck to anyone and everyone dealing with this or anything similar - and please remember, it will pass, and the moments when it does are totally worth it. Now I'm going to go find something enjoyable to read, and I think I can manage a small smile already...:)

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