Sunday 12 February 2017

Nerd Church - Rebel Valentine

It's Valentine's Day this Tuesday, and yours truly is here with a typically rebellious view of all things love and romance!

(I am going to talk about sex here - not graphically, this isn't that kind of blog, but I will be talking about the topic frankly and openly. Just a warning, for those who might want one.)

arty picture of girl standing in a picture frame with the word love behind her

This may be a shock to you, but romance and pairing off isn't the be-all and end-all of life.

I know, weird, huh?

Of course if you listen to books, films, and the media in general, then no-one can be happy without it. Especially not women.

Middle-aged, able-bodied, cishet, white dudes get the occasional 'it's ok to be single' pass, but women, and pretty much anyone else? Nope.

OK, this may seem like an anti-Valentine's post, but it's not. There's nothing wrong with Valentine's day.

If you've found romantic love, then celebrate it, by all means! And I am genuinely happy for you if that's the case.

But I don't pity single people. For a start I am single. I've actually never had a boyfriend, girlfriend, or significant other.

And yes, because you're wondering but are (hopefully) too polite to ask, I'm a virgin.

(That's not to say I've never done anything with sexual undertones *ahem*... which we won't go into here... but the actual sex - or kissing, actually, for that matter - just hasn't happened yet.)

I do find it a little embarrassing to admit that. Not because I'm in any way ashamed of it, but because people look at you like you should be embarrassed, or like there's something wrong with you.


The timing has never been right with the right person for me. And that's ok. For other people, the timing has been right, and the person has been right, and that's ok too.

I'm not naïve - I know how everything works, I have desire (except when I'm asexual for a while,) I'm just happy to wait until things are right.

Look, I know this isn't just a female thing - but the judgement is often more thorough against women, believe me.

Why do we make such a big deal out of the social status of sex and romance? They do NOT define you as a person, they are just one aspect of a multi-faceted personality.

That's not to say that they can't be important, and can't be meaningful. But they aren't ALL there is to life.

Single people can be happy. The 'happily ever after' doesn't need marriage, or a baby, or living together forever and ever.

The 'happily ever after' can be the hero of the story deciding that they're alright as they are - no-one has to 'get' the girl/guy/other romantic interest.

They can get a new job, a new house, or just plain decide that they like themselves - that's difficult enough.

Basically if we could stop forcing romance into plots and media that really don't need them? That'd be great.

(I'm totally Panic! trash)

And if the single characters could not spend every moment miserable about being single? That'd be good too. Thanks.

Check out Claudie Arseneault's guest post on Read Diverse Books for an excellent post on centring friendships and non-romantic relationships, written from an aromantic perspective.

So, to single folks, here's some home truths:

  • it's ok to be single
  • it's ok not to have a long-term partner
  • it's ok to not know whether you'll ever get married
  • it's ok to not settle if things aren't right for you
  • it's ok not to know whether you'll ever have a/nother romantic partner - if it happens, it's gotta be right FOR YOU
  • it's ok to not want a romantic and/or sexual partner - some people just don't
  • it's ok to either HAVE OR NOT HAVE casual sex - that's your call, no-one else's.

And to not-single folks, some for you too:

  • it's ok to enjoy your relationship
  • it's ok to not know how long this will last
  • it's ok for this not to last, or for it to last forever, or somewhere in between
  • it's ok to leave if things aren't right
  • it's ok to stay and try to work things through if things aren't right (except in cases of abuse, where I would suggest leaving for your own safety)
  • it's ok to do what's right for you

I guess what I'm getting at here guys is that we really shouldn't judge people by stuff like this - and we certainly shouldn't hold ourselves to other people's standards.

I know, I know, I am the world's worst when it comes to holding myself to other people's standards. But I'm slowly trying to convince myself that my opinion is the one that matters.

And you guys? You do what's right for you, when it's right for you.

Keep things consensual, safe, and respectful, and there's nothing wrong.

What you want matters guys, please remember that.

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  1. THANK YOU FOR THIS POST! For me, I'm still pretty young, but it seems like everyone around me has had their first kiss and I haven't had it yet, and it's something that I used to be pretty self conscious about. But now, I'm happy with who I am and what you've done with another person does not define you! I can celebrate Valentine's Day with my friends and family and we can eat all the candy hearts together just fine :)

    1. Glad to be of help. I was kind of nervous to write this post but... *shrugs* I promised I would always be open and honest on this blog, and this is something that's been bugging me.

      There is no reason whatsoever for you to feel self-conscious! (She says, knowing full well that she feels the same kind of self-conscious a lot, even though there should be no reason to.)

      If it's not right, it's not right. And you're worth too much to settle for less. (And why the hell not just enjoy the candy hearts?! You deserve them dammit!!!!) :)

    2. It sucks that we have to be nervous about talking about this kind of stuff! But you know what, it's part of life, and if we were all the same, how boring would the world be? You deserve some candy hearts too, Cee! <3

    3. I actually don't really like candy hearts, but thanks! XD

  2. You go, girl! Ahem. Very thoughtful post, Cee Arr. I wish more people talked about accepting their own preferences regarding sexuality and relationships. Doing so would normalize the entire spectrum of sexuality and romance. I remember rushing in to fit the normalcy mold, and realizing (thankfully it was rather quickly) that I don't like or want romantic relationships or sex.

    But, I have never celebrated Valentine's Day. Not interested. What are your plans for this day anyway? I'm participating in Bookentine!

    1. Thank you :) And good for you Dina - you're awesome just the way you are! :)

      I don't really celebrate Valentine's day, except to share cute pics of cats hugging or whatever ;) It's kind of a take-it or leave-it thing as far as I'm concerned.

      But I do enjoy chocolate hearts and little cupcakes with hearts on them - I'm a sucker for seasonally-themed confectionery, lol! XD

  3. This was a nice post to share round about this time. I don't have a date or Valentine, so I usually spend the holiday reminding my friends and family of how much I love them! I also think there is no shame at all in being a virgin or other ways. I am hoping to hold out until marriage. But who knows right?

    1. Exactly! As long as everything's consensual, safe, and right for you, it really is no-one else's business! (And friends and family are just as deserving of appreciation!)


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