Sunday 2 July 2017

Nerd Church - I Know You Mean Well...

Warning: this post contains discussions of homophobia and f**k-ups by well-meaning allocishet people.

Pride month may have come to an end, but those of us who are LGBTQ+ are LGBTQ+ all year round.

(And pride season pretty much continues all summer anyhow - due to scheduling issues.)

heart rainbows

Something I’ve noticed since I came out last year is well-meaning allocishet* people put their ever-loving feet in it on a pretty regular basis.

This isn’t out of malice – it’s more like a failure to listen and understand.

*Allocishet = allosexual, cisgendered, heterosexual. Basically, non-LGBTQ+.

Allosexual means feels sexual attraction (i.e. not asexual or asexual-spectrum,) cisgendered means identifies as your birth gender, heterosexual is only attracted to the opposite sex.

So the term allocishet refers to people who aren’t in any way covered by the umbrella of queer or LGBTQ+.

The thing is – I don’t know what to do when they mess up.

Because I know they’re trying, and I really appreciate that, but I still would like to slam my head repeatedly against the nearest wall or desk every time they say something offensive or just plain awkward within my earshot.

(And no, I’m not going to say who these people are or how I know them, because I love my family and/or friends – and that means I’m the ONLY person who gets to complain about them! #ThemsTheRules #FightMe.)

But I figure awareness is a good thing – and if we don’t talk about the kind of thing that LGBTQ+ people face, even from well-meaning people, then nothing will get better.

pride flag

Defending people’s right to deny service to, or not believe in the rights of, queer people - even if you don’t feel that way yourself - is hurtful.

Because what a queer person is hearing is ‘people can think you’re evil or wrong, and I won’t defend you from them. In fact, I’ll stop you from stopping them.’

If you defend that kind of thing, it’s saying that you are complicit in it, or worse: that you support it. THAT’S why it’s upsetting.

Acting like (or saying) that LGBTQ+ representation on a particular TV series is unnecessary or ridiculous is just… well, like plunging a tiny dagger into my heart sometimes.

Why? Because this means a lot to me. To see people like me on screen, and feel like I’m not alone. To celebrate love and individuality. And you’re mocking it.

You might not think I’d care who’s who on some TV show, but what I’m hearing is: ‘I don’t approve of you, and I don’t want to see people like you in my nice wholesome TV show about people shooting and stabbing each other*’

*Or whatever your TV show happens to be about.

pride flag

And then sometimes, I’m reminded of the obliviousness of people who are always* allocishet:

*watching TV show*

Me: Well, their issue is that they’re super-gay, and they’re scared to tell their family.

Them: Why would that be a problem?

Me: *Loses faith in humanity*

pride flag

Of course, there are also things I just find slightly… bemusing? Let’s go with bemusing.

In honesty, it’s kind of cute. It shows they care.

Like pointing out every queer person who happens to wander onto a reality TV show: ‘they’re a same-sex couple!’ ‘He’s gay!’ ‘She’s transgender!’

Yes, I know. I’m watching the same programme you are...

But it comes from a place of love – it’s genuinely this person’s way of trying to show their acceptance of me, and I adore them for it.

They might be doing it weirdly, but any proof that they’re trying to show me they love and accept me is… well, just awesome. :)

I appreciate that my friends and family are trying at all – it’s just sometimes, they seriously need to think before they speak! XD

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  1. As an allocishet person, I would have no problem with people in the LGBTQ+ community calling me out if I mess up. The problem is though that there are so many people in the world that shut off the opinions of others and refuse to listen. So they continue to think a certain bigoted way. I apologize for some of the allocishet a*holes in the world, but just know that we're not all bad :) <3

    1. It's not even the a**holes as such, it's the people who are well-meaning but just can't seem to stop... *sighs*

      Thanks Em! *hugs*

  2. I think the important thing is that they are trying, and eventually they will get there. This happens with any situation where it has to do with identity.. people are learning but mistakes are made. It's like learning a language, you need to know how to correct them in a way that won't scare them off from trying again, and let go of their mistake :)

    1. I know - I don't want to put them off though! It's like: I really don't want them to think that I don't appreciate how much they're trying, but I also don't like some of the things they do/say. Still, like I said, I figured it was something that needed to be talked about - because if we don't, then nothing gets better.

  3. I absolutely hate how allies say people shouldn't need labels or don't need them. Labels are one of the ways to find a community, to find people who are like you, to find people who support you unconditionally. It's also a way to find out what you are, especially for the lesser-known orientations.

    1. Ooh! I forgot that one! Someone online once got p**sed off when I called them out over a *super* offensive joke about being sexually fluid, and responded by telling me 'not to get so caught up on labels.' It's like, dude, I'm fluid - the only reason I use labels is for *other* people to be able to understand me! *sighs*

  4. As a fellow member of the LGBT community, I completely understand where you're coming from. I don't know what the right answer is here, but this can definitely be frustrating.


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