Nerd Church - The Writer Diaries: I Just Wanna Write Something Beautiful

(Warning: this post briefly discusses Depression)

'Well I wanted something better man

I wished for something new
And I wanted something beautiful
And wish for something true'

- The Foo Fighters, Wheels 

I just wanna write something beautiful.

I wanna write something so beautiful, that I don't question why I wrote it.

There's no over-thinking, no desperate attempts to justify myself, there's just... the thing I wrote. And it's enough.

Whatever 'enough' might mean.

(Yes, this is kind of an existential crisis, but you're reading Dora Reads here, so that's a given at this point. 😅)

I wanna write something beautiful.

I don't mean that it has to be all sunshine and rainbows. 

I don't mean that it needs to have a Hollywood blockbuster aesthetic. 

I don't even mean that there can't be anything ugly in it. Raw and brutal, ugly... they can have a beauty all their own, can't they?

But I want it to be beautiful.

I want it to capture the world, I want it to ring in people's brains, I want it to be that spark of pure life that you see sometimes in the gaps between words, in the breath of evolution that comes with putting something out into the world...

I know, I know, I'm getting all *waves hands* airy-fairy and hippiesh again. It happens.

And it can get pretty demoralising sometimes.

When my brain won't work, for example.

When it feels like everything I write is meaningless, pointless, worthless...

Depression makes writing almost impossible some days. 

Some days I have to pull one sentence, kicking and screaming, from my brain, and hope I'll be able to do more tomorrow.

...Which is a painfully slow way to write, but at least it's writing.

And while the aim is writing something beautiful, I would also very much like to stop being the still-live-at-home millennial stereotype.

...Or the 'starving artist' stereotype, for that matter. 😅

But I'd need money for that.

And money isn't exactly easy to come by, especially not when the world seems drowning, sometimes, in a sea of content.

But... I still just wanna write something beautiful.

I wanna write something so beautiful that I don't doubt it, don't find all the flaws in it, don't question why I wrote it.

I wanna write something so beautiful that it's 'enough,' all by itself.

I just wanna write something beautiful.

Who knows? Maybe some day I will.

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Previous The Writer Diaries Posts:

• Nerd Church - The Writer Diaries: When The Words Won't Go Where They're Supposed To

• Nerd Church - The Writer Diaries: Purpose and Existential Crises

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