Sunday 2 May 2021

Nerd Church - Covid 19: I Got My Vaccine Appointment (I Hate Needles)


(Warning: as you can probably tell from the title, this post discusses Covid 19/Coronavirus, vaccination, needles, and needlephobia. 

It also talks about Anxiety and Depression, and mentions being a smol closeted Queer chick, because I'm perfectly capable of going off on tangents.)

'Covid 19: I Got My Vaccine Appointment (I Hate Needles)' against an artsy blue background

I have my vaccine appointment! 

At the end of this week, I will be getting my first dose.

(Yes, I am still in my 20s, and Wales started with the over 80s.

The Welsh vaccination programme is working like a well-oiled machine! (I think the small population also probably helps.))

There is a hitch though: me and needles? We don't get along.

If asked, on your average day, whether I have any phobias, my answer would be 'no.' 

I think I may even have mentioned my so-called 'not having any phobias' in a blogpost or two along the way... possibly one where I was rec'ing fanfiction about phobias? I can't remember exactly when.

...Because my subconscious has the extreme self-denial capabilities of someone who spent 20+ years denying their sexuality, even to themself.

(In my defence, Depression has also f**ked up my memory. Fun times.)

Every now and then I'm reminded that I am, in fact, needlephobic.

Not least because a nurse asked my mother how long she'd been needlephobic, and me and my dad always thought she was great with needles - like, in comparison to us.

So, yeah, I'm needlephobic. I kicked a nurse when I was six. #TrueStory

Before you try to make me feel better about needles - Don't.

Reassurance about the subject just freaks me out even more, because no-one reassures you that much when everything's actually fine (yes, I'm a suspicious overthinker. It is what it is.)

And the whole 'it doesn't hurt,' thing?

First off: lies. All lies.

I've never had a vaccination or a blood test that doesn't hurt.

Secondly: that's not my problem with it. I don't care if it hurts a little.

What freaks me out is the entire concept of an external item piercing my skin and inserting something into my blood. 

(Ugh, trying to feel less nauseous and panicky after writing that sentence, and failing miserably...)

If I'm lucky, I won't have a panic attack.

If I'm lucky, I'll only cry a little, and not the big, heaving, 'Jesus is someone killing that girl?' sobs that I'm usually unable to stop, and the hyperventilation. 

(...I'm aware that hyperventilation in a pandemic is a potential biohazard.)

I'm hoping I'll go quiet and pale, with relatively quiet tears - it's marginally less embarrassing, and more Covid-safe.

(I only manage Hollywood-style quiet crying on very rare occasions, but a girl can dream.)

I'm also hoping the fight-or-flight adrenaline won't get me - because I cannot overstate how much that sucks.

Already, my Anxiety is ramping up.

It's playing such timeless hits as 'What if I can't find the door to even get in?' (happens to me more often than you'd think,) 'What if the small talk with the vaccinators is awkward?' and 'What if they try to tape the cotton ball to my arm?' (I'm allergic to a butt-tonne of adhesives.)

The fact is: I don't care about any of this stuff. 

It's all easily rectifiable, and I'll be much better off going with the flow.

And I know that. 

But my brain insists on asking these questions, and so many similar ones, on loop in my head. Which is energy-sapping at best, and I'm hoping won't continue at this rate 'til the end of the week, when my appointment is.

So it is 100% fair to say that the thought of getting vaccinated is freaking me the hell out - but I'm still gonna do it.


It really concerns me how often people forget that.

If people are going to stop dying of this, being disabled by this, losing loved ones to this, all over the world - then we have to do this.

I have to do this. 

And as hard as it is, I can do this. 

In fact, I can do it twice.

And if I can do this? Other people can, too.

Nerd Church is going on break next week, and will be back on 16th May 2021

You can follow me on Twitter @CeeDoraReads, on Pinterest, and on Dora Reads @ BlogLovin. For more ways to support me, check out the Support Me page

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  1. I like how you mentioned that reassurance doesn't help. I think a lot of people try to reassure us folks with mental illnesses but that always makes it worse. My therapist hates it when people reassure me.

    Anyways, thank you for doing your part to stop the spread of COVID, Cee. Even though you have a phobia, you are still doing what you can. And that's all that counts :)

    1. I know, right? I mean, in some very specific situations it's helpful - but I've got to the point now where I'm just like, 'I will tell you, when I want you to reassure me - because 9/10 times you're making things worse!'

      Thanks Em - it really annoys me when people who are perfectly fine with needles are like, 'nah, I won't get it.' Like, if I can do it, you can dammit!

  2. I have a needle phobia, too. This was a fantastic post.

    And, yeah, if we can face our phobias for the greater good, no one else should be complaining. :)

    1. Ha, there are a (very few) number of people who can't get the vaccine due to medical reasons, but yeah - everyone else can put up and shut up ;) <3

  3. Big hug! I hope it goes okay! I too am needlephobic, and for the exact same reasons as you, and the nurses and doctors INVARIABLY assure me it's not going to hurt that much. It's frustrating. I am an adult! I have had shots before! I know how much it's going to hurt! That's not the problem!

    1. Thanks <3

      I know, right? Like, quit trying to tell me it won't hurt you mahoosive liars! I don't care if it hurts! Argh! <3


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