Sunday 15 September 2019

Nerd Church - It's My Birthday! (And I'll Cry If I Want To)

...Not that I'm particularly aiming to. But I'll give myself the option!

Illustrated woman holding a bunch of heart-shaped balloons

Yes, the day this post is published (15th Sep, unless I pushed 'Publish' instead of 'Schedule' again! 😅) is my birthday!

While I'm hoping to have fun and enjoy myself today... I have had some mixed feelings in the days leading up to today.

See, for my entire life, my birthday has been a few days before my grandfather's.

As some of you know, my lovely Grampa passed away in December last year.

In a few days' time, he would have been 90 years old.

So it's kind of weird this year. 

And I miss him. A goddamned lot.

And I know he'd want me to enjoy myself - but, as I've mentioned plenty of times before, grief doesn't give a flying f**k about 'should' or 'have to.'

Grief feels however grief feels.

But I'll enjoy it where I can - my grandfather was the best person I have ever known at enjoying the little things.

He was, hands down, the smartest person I've ever met.

But he also knew what was important - he was perfectly happy with the simple things.

A cup of tea, his newspaper, and a piece of cake, and he couldn't've been happier if he had all the riches in the world.

What he cared about was family, and love, and animals, and being a kind and gentle person.

...So yeah, I miss him a whole lot. Especially right now.

kitty with party hat, blowing on a streamer thingy
Via Giphy

We've been having 'cake month' in honour of his 90th birthday - he LOVED cake.

...To the extent that we kept finding hidden boxes of cakes everywhere when we were cleaning out his house!

I think there's this general pressure, as well, for us to feel happy in every single moment of days like our birthdays or Christmas. 

We often struggle with the expectation and pressure to be happy - a pressure that, ironically, makes us unhappy.

This can be doubly difficult for people with mental health problems (hi!) who often turn any perceived 'wrong' reaction - sadness on a happy occasion, etc. - in on ourselves.

I think sometimes it can be powerful to just say: I hope this isn't sh**, but if it is, that'll still be OK.

So, I hope today will be awesome, but if it isn't, that'll be ok.

If I have moments of sadness, or just plain apathy, that'll be OK.

It's my birthday. And crying is healthy, if you gotta cry, then you gotta cry. And that's OK too.

Kitty blowing out birthday candle with its paw
Via Giphy

If you want to and are able to - and please don't feel you have to, I still love you regardless! - then you can buy me a coffee for my birthday (and maybe help with the cost of all that cake!)

Do you think pressure to enjoy something can take away from the enjoyment?
Talk to me! 😀💬

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Last updated: 25th Nov 2019


  1. HAPPY BIRTHDAY CEE! I do hope you’re having a lovely day, even if you are just relaxing and taking it easy. I do feel that there is immense pressure to enjoy something, and that totally takes away from the me experience. I was pressured into having some big party for my 19th. (19 is the legal drinking age here). But truth me told, I didn’t want to. I ended up cancelling it all and just having a quiet dinner with my family, complete with donuts with a candle in them for my cake. I think donuts is all you need at a party, tbh!

    1. Dinner with the family + donuts is an awesome celebration! XD

      I had a good day, thank you! :) - I went to St Fagan's - the Museum of Welsh Life (sort of halfway between a normal museum & a living-history museum) with my parents & brother, and then we came home and had cake! XD

  2. Happy birthday! And your grandfather sounds like he was a wonderful man. :)

    1. Thank you! And my grandfather was the best - thanks so much! <3 :)

  3. Happy birthday, hon, and take care of yourself. Your grandfather has always sounded so marvelous, and I know that he's in your heart. Many many hugs.

    1. Thank you so much! <3 He was... everyone who met him called him 'one of the last true gentlemen' and that pretty much sums him up. :)

  4. I am late to this post but I hope you had a good birthday. October has started, and on the 31st my grandfather passed away... and then in November it will be my other grandfather's death anniversary mid-month. So those two weeks are often pretty hard for me and my grandmothers as well. What I am trying to say is that I understand. And am sending love <3

    1. Thank you! I had a lovely birthday.

      Sending love to you too *hugs* <3


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